In Your Arms, I'm Home
by CUtopia
Summary: Once again, the Voyager has encountered a hostile alien race, and once again, crewmembers died. Kathryn tries to cope.


Well, here is my first ever fanfiction for Star Trek... Hope you guys like it! :)

* * *

 _Well I'm going home,  
Back to the place where I belong,  
And where your love has always been enough for me._

 _Daughtry – Home_

* * *

 **In Your Arms, I'm Home**

Chakotay sighed deeply as he opened his uniform jacket and let himself fall onto his couch. The darkness and silence of his quarters were soothing, and for a short moment, he was able to forget what they had been going through in the last hours.

By now, he had seriously given up on being surprised when the Voyager came across another hostile alien race. The rules in the Delta Quadrant were different, and it scared him how much he was used to the ship being nearly destroyed by another unknown space ship that opened fire on them before asking.

On the other hand, there was one thing he would never become accustomed to: losing crew members.

Today, Crewman Hobbes and Ensign Jones had been killed when a torpedo had caused a hull breach on one of the lower decks. They didn't even have bodies to hand over to the universe in the traditional Starfleet ceremony.

Kathryn had still insisted on holding a small memorial service in the mess hall, of course she had. Chakotay would've been surprised if she hadn't. The fact that she had been severely injured during the attack and was supposed to be in the sickbay, also because she had been close to a mental breakdown, hadn't held her back. Also, he hadn't tried to talk her out of it – it was wasted energy on his behalf.

Captain Kathryn Janeway probably was the most stubborn woman he had ever met, and he hated this trait as much as he loved it. Even with a lot of broken ribs, bruises all over her body and a head trauma, Kathryn was still trying to act as if she was unbreakable. She had refused his offer to take over reading through the damage reports that were issued to her one after the other. He was seriously worried about her, and once again, he came to the point he cursed her stubbornness.

When would Kathryn finally understand that she needed time for herself, and that it wasn't weakness to hand her work over to him so she could properly rest? The thought that she was sitting only a few metres away from him, on the other side of the wall that separated their private quarters, working instead of taking care of herself, pained him. It always hurt a tiny bit when she refused his help and shoved him away, knowing fully well that it wasn't the right thing to do.

So all he could do was wait for her breakdown, and try to be there for her anyway.

OoO

Kathryn stood in the middle of her quarters, frozen, like a statue. Listening to her own breath and the subtle hum of the warp engine, her gaze was lost in the infinity of the universe outside her window. Her arms were loosely dangling down by her sides, her fingers clutching several PADDs like they were the only thing that kept her from falling.

She felt paralysed by all the feelings that were coming back at her, now that she was in the safety of her quarters, where she didn't have to maintain the facade of the strong Starfleet Captain who had to stay strong to keep the morale of her crew up. In here, she was just Kathryn, and the weight of her responsibilities kept pushing down onto her shoulders.

Normally, she didn't see it as a burden. But today, and not for the first time, it felt like one. Once again, members of the Voyager crew had died under her command. She could praise their courage and celebrate their life with the rest of her crew, but still, in the end, she was alone with all the guilt. Sometimes, it threatened to suffocate her, like it tried in this moment.

She was gladly embracing the loneliness of her quarters, as she was unable to control her grief any longer.

Her body was starting to shake ever so slightly, and tears were burning in her eyes as her heart clenched painfully. The merciless ache of loss, of the feeling of having failed, all the anguish broke free. With a soft thump, the PADDs hit the carpet after having been released by her fingers as she raised her arms and slung them around herself, trying desperately to keep herself from losing the control over herself completely. Even though her throat felt tight, she tried to take deep breaths while the first tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, leaving damp and salty tracks behind.

She fought against the sobs that wanted to be released and nearly choked in the process. Kathryn hated how helpless and vulnerable she felt in this moment, and how horribly alone. Maybe it was the curse of the captain – to stay alone, to bear all the burdens on his own while trying not to break because of them.

And once again, she asked herself how longer she would be able to do this – to lose good people, hold a memorial service, prepare a letter to their families and then live her life on board as if nothing had happened. Knowing fully well that this would happen again, and that everybody expected her to function anyway.

Her fingernails were digging into the fabric of her uniform, trying to hold on to anything solid in this vortex of feelings. Hopelessness was overcoming her, making her feel lost in this scaringly endless universe.

But just as she felt like her knees would finally give in, something changed very suddenly. Strong arms pulled her towards a warm body and out of her bubble of misery.

Kathryn didn't need to open her eyes to know it was Chakotay – she knew how he smelled, how his body felt, and how soothing his presence was for her. She didn't care how he had managed to get into her quarters, all that mattered was that somebody was there to hold her while she gave in to the feelings she had bottled up for far too long.

Finally, she allowed herself to release the sobs she had been holding back, her slender body shaking in his embrace as she held on to him as if he was her lifeboat in a stormy sea.

His warmth and steady strength were reassuring her, were showing her that nothing was lost, not yet. That she wasn't alone, if she only allowed him to be there.

Chakotay didn't need to say anything to her; she already knew what he would have said in this moment.

All that mattered right now was the feeling of safety his embrace caused to course through her.


End file.
